Episode 120: The Ice Warriors

“I’ve had enough of experts!”

Now there’s a phrase with a familiar ring. And Britannicus Base’s self-imposed brain drain and dislike of the unlike is sending the UK into chaos. You couldn’t make it up.

But Brian Hayles did, in 1967’s snowy saga The Ice Warriors – a tale of unripe tomatoes, dial-up food machines and a vibro-chair with a shake that brings all the boys to the Medi-Care Centre.

The beards are shaggy, the outfits are short and the science is decidedly dodgy. But worse is to come when a bunch of full-bladdered Martians turn up with their own brand of whispering death, provoking a hissy fit of its own from the sacred Computer.

The Doctor’s opining, Victoria’s whining and Jamie’s reclining at the hideout of hairy hippies, Wallace and Isa.

But can Cleggy save the world without the aid of a motorised bathtub?

Will Varga and Zondal end up tying the knot?

Can they tie anything with hands like that?

And did Jim and Martin find the Ice Warriors refreshingly bracing or did it leave them cold?

Listen to find out.

Also hear what Jim and Martin think of the BBC audiobooks of The Ice Warriors, The Faceless Ones and Warriors’ Gate!

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Episode 119: The Mysterious Planet

“If the rest of his presentation is as riveting as the first little epic, wake me when it’s finished.”

The Trial of a Time Lord goes all meta with one of the riskiest lines in Doctor Who history.

The “first little epic” is The Mysterious Planet, in which the Doctor is on remand, Peri (from Marble Arch, USA) is in demand and Joan Sims commands her ragged warriors to carry on dying.

Two cockernee New Romantics go on the rob, two Adric-a-likes get on your nerves and the verbose Valyard swallows a Thesaurus. Meanwhile, the jury’s out (of Voltarol) and the Inquisitor looks like she’d rather be at home making a casserole.

Who on Ravalox is the Doctor impersonating?

How smug can a dead face be?

Where can you get some saucy but artistic robot photos?

And did Jim and Martin give The Mysterious Planet a pardon or did they throw the Three Books of Knowledge at it?

Listen to find out.

Episode 118: The Massacre

“Nicholas only knows the most boring places.”

He’s obviously not acquainted with the Doctor’s wardrobe then, which contains… Who knows what?

And there’s plenty going on in the rest of 16th Century Paris, with a familiar-looking priestly weirdo, a companion’s possible ancestor and man-hungry sectarian rats.

The Doctor may or may not be in the house but Steven finds that Preslin, the King of germinology, has definitely left the building.

What’s the Doctor hiding about his mysterious continental city break?

Does what happens in Paris stay in Paris?

Should Chaplet or Chaplet get a ride in the TARDIS?

Did Jim and Martin find The Massacre a mind-broadening trip or a four-part death sentence?

And what did Peter Purves think of The Massacre and his time on the show?

Listen to find out.

Episode 117: Warriors of the Deep

“There should’ve been another way.”

Yup. But when you only have a couple of days, £37.50 and a two-man human centipede, you will inevitably end up with 1984’s Warriors of the Deep.

But the Doctor still manages to trade his cricket beiges for a daring new beige outfit and some temporal footwear, though Turlough misses out on an early airing of his budgie smugglers. Tegan’s troubles are more practical than sartorial, however, when she feels the gossamer weight of a sea base door on her lovely legs.

They also encounter the future’s unluckiest intern, a commander who’s a long way from his native 1970s and the leading lights of the power-bloc-which-cannot-be-named’s premier pantomime troop.

Throw in some sweat, smells, sloth-like Silurians and skew-whiff sea devils and it all starts to feel like the end of the world.

So did Jim and Martin take to the story like a Myrka to water or did it leave them drowning in dreck?

Listen to find out.

Episode 116: The Daleks

“My legs! My legs!”

Zero out of a million on the tact front from Ian, crowing about his pins when surrounded by legless Daleks.

Actually, they haven’t touched a drop but they have experimented with some freaky hallucinogens from their peacenik neighbours.

So this is the TARDIS foursome’s first awayday – The Daleks – and where better to visit than a quiet, pollen-free forest with nearby amenities, including free toilet rolls, gratis green grocery and more mercury than you could ever need (especially if you don’t need any).

But have some Thals found their own forbidden fruit?

Has the tripping Dalek come down yet?

How many more legs does Alydon have than Ian?

And where would Jim and Martin place the story on the evolutionary continuum from joke shop fake to perfect paragon?

Listen to find out.

Episode 115: The Greatest Show in the Galaxy

“Weirdos!”

It’s not often that a Doctor Who story reviews Jim and Martin but this is the topsy-turvy world of The Greatest Show in the Galaxy.

It’s all a bit of a circus as the Ringmaster puts the ‘c’ into ‘rap’, a foxy artiste blames it on the moonlight and the Chief Clown grins all the way to the emergency dentist. Ace is victim to some violent conducting and the Doctor prances, prestidigitates and experiences a warm burst on his exit.

Peaceful hippy Bellboy makes killer robots, Deadbeat mopes around waiting for Lovejoy to turn up and Mystic Morgana wishes she’d never agreed to a fan meet-and-greet. Captain Cook bores himself to death, a new stand-up dies on stage and Peggy Mount proves to be the Worst Dinner Lady in the Galaxy.

So did Jim and Martin enjoy the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the non-existent crowd? Or were they reaching for their zero score cards?

Listen to find out and to hear the lads review the Tom Baker and James Goss novel, Scratchman.

Episode 114: The Sontaran Experiment

“I’ve lost my sonic screwdriver. I feel completely lost without it.”

Lost? Modern Doctors would need resuscitating.

Yes, it’s back to basics with The Sontaran Experiment, wherein hairy rock dwellers set traps, chuck rocks and threaten people with hot sticks.

Undeterred, Sarah channels Margo Leadbetter, Harry tries out some mucus-based medicine and the Doctor whistles the Spitting Image classic “I’ve Never Met A Nice South African.”

Meanwhile Styre suffers from short man syndrome and displays his confusion at having a female boss by torturing men, wearing guyliner and fouling his own living space. It all leaves him a tad deflated.

But at least everyone gets to take a breather and watch two newcomers have a roll in the heather. Not like that.

So did Jim and Martin enjoy the overcast uplands of The Sontaran Experiment or did they fake collarbone fractures to escape watching it?

Find out here.