“I am the Doctor… whether you like it or not.”
Yes, this is Colin Baker’s debut debacle as the Doctor, The Twin Dilemma.
A tale of a Hurndall understudy in a dress, two bratty bowl-cut brain-boxes, pestilent parrot people and a hairy slug with an inter-species libido.
And, at its centre, we have our ‘hero’ who tries to bluster, cower, whine and strangle his way into our hearts, and his poor sidekick, who has probably never felt quite so sidelined – or quite so kicked.
Blood bubbles, slugs slime, sartorial atrocities are committed with impunity and a thieving magpie is fed to the starving masses (tastes like chicken, apparently).
Loathe it or hate it, it’s perennially at the bottom of the sort of polls its lead actor despises.
But do Jim and Martin think it lives down to its reputation?
Listen in to find out.
“Rondel – intergalactic region devoid of all stellar activity”
So how come it feels like we’ve gone on location to Rondel, rather than Amsterdam? There’s certainly a lack of activity in Arc of Infinity – and a less than stellar cast, if it comes to that.
But at least we have a trigger-happy Nyssa, a new look (but, alas, same personality) Tegan and a Doctor who seems to be staining his whites with more than grass. And they’re up against a naughty, helium-powered Time Lord, a swarfega-spewing ‘mystery’ renegade and something which appears to have crawled out of Colonel Sanders’ bin.
Couple that with a pair of berks who give backpackers (and indeed bipeds) a bad name and a strangely familiar guard captain, who is the bottom of everybody’s favourites list, and you have an uneven start to an anniversary season.
So do Jim and Martin see this story a delicious Edam or a Dutch oven? Listen here to find out.
“That would have created what I believe is called ‘consumer resistance’.”
True dat, Davros. Much as many people would like to get rid of the occasional relative, eating them rarely presents itself as a viable option.
A Marxist stand-up masquerading as a crap Dee-Jay is also likely to put off customers (even the comatose ones), while melting mutants, hybridised heads and flying Kaled fingers might even prompt punters to look elsewhere than Tranquil Repose for their funerary needs.
Yep, this is Revelation of the Daleks wherein Davros is nought but a head in a tank, Jobel is a spam-head under a rug, Orcini has a tin leg, Tasembeker thinks with her knuckles and good old Lilt communicates with his.
But do Jim and Martin find this story irresistible? Or would they prefer a steaming plateful of The Great Healer’s patented (but ‘orrible) ‘I can’t believe it’s not Quorn’ (TM)?
Find out here!
“As from today… I can put any brain into any body, anywhere.”
Maybe there’s finally hope for the Krynoid Pod boys then?
Whether or not they’re up for a shaved head and a sex change is another matter but that is the fate of Kiv, chief Mentor and mega-capitalist Sil-botherer, at the expense of poor old Perpugilliam Brown.
Is the scenery of Thoros Beta competing with Old Sixie’s coat for day-glo garishness? Can the Lukoser shut his mouth? Come to that, can Brian Blessed shut his mouth? Please.
Mindwarp is the second section of The Trial of a Time Lord but did Jim and Martin find watching it to be a mind-warping trial?
Find out here.
Addendum: This podcast episode was recorded before the sad news of Lynda Bellingham’s passing. She was a well-loved actress and a very funny lady and, whatever happened around her in season 23, her performance as the Inquisitor was never less than excellent. Our thoughts are with her friends and family and this episode is dedicated to her memory.
“Nobody wants you. Nobody needs you. Nobody cares!”
Well that’s the review of Timelash done then.
Nevertheless, Jim and Martin gently tap themselves into the unrealistic Kontron tunnel of the title to see if they can’t discover a gem or two.
Baker’s baubles get harnessed and Peri unleashes her inner damsel in distress, while Avon dons a Dick 3 wig and channels Henry Irving.
The toga-togged Karfelans are menaced from above by Muppet cobras and from below by overgrown slowworms, little knowing that their dastardly dictator is actually half the man he used to be.
Can the Doctor free them from this terrifying regime, where beekeepers and body-popping androids are a pain in the neck and where ‘Tinsel Inside’ is considered the highest mark of quality for time technology?
So is Timelash as bad as the fan Hive Mind decrees?
Yes … indeed … it … is …
Get it here!
“Do you think bullets could stop me now? You stinking offal, Morgus! Look at me!!”
So says a man in a gimp suit deep in the blowholes of Androzani Minor. Yes, Jim and Martin take a look at Peter Davison’s last hurrah and finest hour as he goes through hell to save Peri in the 1984 classic The Caves of Androzani.
There’s soldiers, gunrunners, androids, a rubbish monster, a revenge-seeking hairy-handed, Peri-infatuated madman and an evil and ruthless bag of slime. Can the Doctor weave his way through them all and save Peri? Only just…
Is it as good as its reputation suggests? Listen here to find out.