Episode 098: Nightmare of Eden

“I don’t work for anybody. I’m just having fun.”

Not so much fun for the cold turkeys, the cattle-prodded Mandrels and the eviscerated punters on the good ship Empress though.

Yes, this is Nightmare of Eden and ‘nightmare’ could be seen as an apposite epithet by the crew and viewer alike. It’s a heady cocktail of spiked drinks, unfortunate zips and insurance policy wordings.

K9 needs some obedience classes, the Doctor shrieks about his extremities and Romana gets a nasty love bite (but not as nasty as her dress), while Tryst accentuates the silliness, Fisk makes it uniformly worse and Rigg turns on, tunes in and drops out.

So did Jim and Martin find the story as first class as the toilet facilities or were they glad when the nightmare was over?

Find out here.

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Episode 097: Terror of the Autons

“I am usually referred to as the Master.”

Or some very slight variation thereof.

Terror of the Autons is a story where a bloomin’ cockernee is masquerading as an Italian, a Time Lord as an astral Mr Benn, Autons as an army of Frank Sidebottoms, and the man himself as BT’s most sackable employee. Yet the Master can’t muster the energy to think up an even vaguely misdirecting pseudonym.

Plenty of imagination elsewhere though with unfriendly neighbourhood Bobbies, dolls that are a bit too clingy, armchairs that give you a hug,  a phone you can really get tied up on and gift daffs you really shouldn’t look in the mouth.

Can the grumpy Doctor, scatty Jo, and a Maxi full of UNIT defeat the Master and the Nestene Unconvincingness?

And did Jim and Martin find all this plastic fantastic or as flat as Old Ma Farrel’s CSO kitchen?

Find out here.

Episode 096: The Time Meddler

“I’m not a mountain goat and I prefer walking to any day. And I hate climbing.”

If you think Steven Moffat era Doctor Who taxes the mind, imagine being part of the 1965 audience and having to decode anagrams of the scripted lines on the fly.

And the mind is boggled in many other ways by The Time Meddler. How can an 11th Century  monk have a wristwatch, electric stove and gramophone? Has the BBC lost the plot? Has Dennis Spooner been hot-spooning? Or perhaps the pee-drenched padre is to blame and thus a legitimate target of the (extremely) long arm of Doctor Tickle.

Our eponymous hero and visiting Vikings alike get merry on mead from Hur indoors, while Vicki suffers sexism from Steven, the new companion who likes to attack first and ask (too many) questions later. And then not believe any of the answers.

Will the groat ever drop for Steven? Will he find the bovine astronaut he seeks? What do you do if your TARDIS is smaller on the inside? Whose beard is camping out on Eldred’s face?

And did Jim and Martin delight in this first ever pseudo-historical or do they disapprove of all this time meddling?

Find out here.

Episode 095: The Stones Of Blood

“It’s getting rather exciting, isn’t it?”

Well mileage may vary and opinions certainly differ a wee bit between your intrepid hosts on this one.KP095 artwork 300

For it is The Stones of Blood, a tale of vampiric slabs, a reclusive mistress-villain with a morbid fear of lemon sherbets and the latest mismatched cop duo – Android and Wirrn.

The Doctor wears a barrister’s wig, Romana sports a chav cap and Vivien Fay shows off her deep silver tan. Professor Rumford forgets her words (and her bra) but remembers her truncheon, and K9 spills his guts while being goosed by a jack plug.

The local druids summon a wrinkly comedy star, a camping couple suffer post-coital depression, and two clouds of bling argue the toss while the Doctor doesn’t appear to give one.

So did the story stir the blood of Jim and Martin or leave them stony faced?

Listen to find out.

NB: You’ll notice that Jim gets a story title wrong – twice. Rest assured that he has been taken away and destroyed in a controlled explosion.

Episode 094: The Twin Dilemma

“I am the Doctor… whether you like it or not.”

Ahem… awkward!

Yes, this is Colin Baker’s debut debacle as the Doctor, The Twin Dilemma.

A tale of a Hurndall understudy in a dress, two bratty bowl-cut brain-boxes, pestilent parrot people and a hairy slug with an inter-species libido.

And, at its centre, we have our ‘hero’ who tries to bluster, cower, whine and strangle his way into our hearts, and his poor sidekick, who has probably never felt quite so sidelined – or quite so kicked.

Blood bubbles, slugs slime, sartorial atrocities are committed with impunity and a thieving magpie is fed to the starving masses (tastes like chicken, apparently).

Loathe it or hate it, it’s perennially at the bottom of the sort of polls its lead actor despises.

But do Jim and Martin think it lives down to its reputation?

Listen in to find out.

Episode 093: The Macra Terror

“No-one on the Colony believes in Macra! There is no such thing as Macra! Macra do not exist! There are no Macra!!”

Well maybe stop going on about them so much then?

He’s right though. This colony is lovely – except for the brainwashing, harrowing jingles, cheerless cheerleading, occupational hazards and the ministrations of hit security group, Ola and the Bootboys, that is.

Oh and the Macra, of course. Not that there are any Macra. Or are there…?

Well, yes there are, as the name of the story implies, and they’re a crabby (and shouty) bunch of crustaceans, with their grubby pincers on the reins of power within the colony. Meanwhile, Ben goes over to the dark side, Polly gets a haircut, Jamie has a fling and the Doctor has a problem with excess gas.

But did Jim and Martin give The Macra Terror 11 out of 10? Or did it just wash over their brains?

Find out here.

Episode 089: The Edge of Destruction

“If anything happens, let me know.”

What do you get if you have two episodes to fill with no guest actors and no new sets?kp089-artwork-300

Well in the weird world of Lime Grove 1964, you get The Edge of Destruction – a veritable cryptic crossword with clues from another, different cryptic crossword.

This is, of course, the one where Susan turns sinister scissor sister, Ian seems to have been at the TARDIS brown ale, the Doctor – even with a head wound – still wins Gallifrey’s Fastest Butler, and poor old Babs has to hold it all together, despite her pathological fear of Salvador Dali.

Even the Fornicator can’t help them as they try to discover what the heck is going on (and what the writer has been smoking) until, finally, the solution springs to mind.

So can Jim and Martin make sense of the sentient ship’s clues or will the story leave them on the edge of nervous destruction?

Find out here.