“You’re liable to wake up Old Nick going that deep!”
And imagine old Nick’s horror when he woke up after a BBC stag do and found that someone had given him a comedy eye-patch and a joke shop scar.
But it’s not just the Brig who’s had an unsympathetic makeover in Inferno‘s alt-right universe. Cuddly Sergeant Benton is now brutal bastard Benton and lovely Liz has adopted a nasty wig and an equally nasty attitude. Professor Stahlman, of course, is equally gittish wherever you find him, but Greg Sutton’s sexist tendencies have been crushed under the fascist jackboot – and he seems even less likely to achieve penetration with this particular Petra.
Throw in some technicians in wolf’s clothing (and Christmas cracker teeth), a soldier shooting himself off a gasometer and lashings of automatic door porn, and we have something of a great big melting pot.
But do Jim and Martin think Inferno burns brightly or does it feel like the end of the world?
Find out here.
“It was terrible… and then I got rescued by this bowl.”
No, not a symptom of BBC budget cuts – although its economically-priced, invisible owner may have been.
It’s the Planet of the Daleks – or, more accurately, the planet of the plants which either spy or spray, the molten ice which somehow isn’t just water and the locals who are definitely more than meets the eye.
Chuck into this great big ice-melting pot a poorly Time Lord, a lady with an embarrassing fungal infection, some flaxen-haired squabbling space-squaddies and the most evil wheelie bins in the ninth system, and you have all the makings of an epic six-parter.
But does it deliver like Santa or disappoint like… erm… Satan…?
Listen in to find out.
“Oh, how very embarrassing!”
That’s what the unsuspecting viewer probably said in 1973 when the so-called “large and savage reptile” hoved into view at the top of the Ogron quarry. If only there’d been enough budget to show more than its dangly bits…
But close your eyes for those couple of seconds and Frontier in Space will reward you with many riches. For where else can you find the third Doctor in hoisty judo slacks, Jo in platform baseball boots and Delgado’s Master in a Dracula-collared PVC number with Dalek logo?
And where else could you observe, in one story, twitchy Earth folk, noble Draconians, monumentally thick Ogrons and a stir crazy TARDIS team, who are in and out of prison more often than Mr Mackay?
But does Frontier in Space go where no Drashig has gone before? Or does it outstay its welcome like a Draconian at a UKIP rally?
Listen here to find out what Jim and Martin made of it all.
“Well thank you, Brigadier! But do you think that for once in your life you could manage to arrive before the nick of time?”
I’d leave it another half hour next time if I was you, Brig.
Yes, the third Doctor is being as pleasant as a fart in a spacesuit again, this time in The Mind of Evil – a six-part saga of surprised screws, conniving cons, a bucket of evil and 1971’s Cigar Smoker of the Year.
The Doctor crosses his eyes, the Master mesmerises with his eyes and Jo chucks hot tea into an inmate’s eyes – all part of a day’s work for UNIT, a small organisation tasked with running peace conferences, escorting missiles, protecting the Earth and, no doubt, taking in washing.
But is Chin Lee really the only ‘dolly’ Chinese girl in Europe? Why is the Master menaced by a coke float? And is any swarfega tagliatelle ever really complete without a sun-dried glass eye?
Listen in to hear the answers to none of these questions.
And they aren’t the only ones suffering as Jim and Martin trudge through the lively four-part story The Time Monster, cunningly packaged as a six-part ordeal.
The Doctor dreams of the Master, the Master dreams of universal conquest and Jo dreams of a time when her alien colleague doesn’t keep treating her like a particularly backward schoolgirl. Queen Galleia is icy, the Brig is frozen and Benton is a tad chilly in his birthday suit (well that’s his excuse anyway).
Windows are left un-cleaned, Yates is doodle-bugged and Future Blackadder is swatted like a fly, while his countrymen flee from the Man-Sized Budgie of Ancient Lore.
All this and more padding than an Abzorbaloff cosplayer.
But does the story keep its head above the rising tide of plot inertia?
Listen in to find out.
“Chap with the wings there… five rounds rapid!”
And lo… animated gargoyle, Bok, was treated to several speedy ales at Ye Olde Cloven Hoofe tavern, a far preferable fate than a dance with Mike Yates.
Yes, it’s the 1971 occult classic, The Daemons – a satanic saga of a renegade reverend, a vile verger, tiresome TV chaps and a reticule-swinging spinster.
Yates and Benton are wearing civvies, Jo’s wearing a sacrificial robe and the Doctor’s just wearing.
Who is the Brig’s bedfellow? Just what does Garvin get up to with ferrets? And has there ever been a valid justification for Morris Dancing?
You’ll burn up with excitement. You’ll freeze in terror. And you’ll believe a sprightly yellow roadster can drive itself.
Open up the podcast and bring death and destruction to your mental faculties…
“It’s rather a pity, in a way. Now the universe is down to six hundred and ninety nine wonders.”
The Doctor reacts badly to the news of Girls Aloud splitting up. Luckily, the Krynoid Podcast is here to take his mind off it.
After giving Cold War, Hide and Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS the once-over, Jim and Martin travel back in time to 1974 for Death to the Daleks – a tale of disarmed Daleks, operatic Exxilons and homicidal hoovers from the City of Dave.
They play ‘Spot the Terry Nation Trope’ while also wondering just how terrifying a patch of two-toned flooring can be.
With an empty Dalek ‘standing’ about and a blushing high priest channeling Spike Milligan, they ask ‘Who is the real goon?’
And they plead with Carey Blyton to stop using sax as a weapon.
So why not dive in? Come on, the water’s effervescent.
Get it here!